False pig pretense
Maxim Ravreba, TV journalist, Kiev
Always, as Comrade Kozma Prutkov taught, you need to look at the root. To the root means to look into the true cause of a phenomenon. “What is this thing?”, Comrade Marcus Aurelius would ask. And I would answer: look for the interests of the customer. I put myself in the shoes of those who ordered the Ukrainian elections and saw amazing things that are inaccessible to those who consider the fake swinish pretense (elections) in isolation from the reasons that caused it. So what did I see?
First, in Ukraine there was a coup d'etat, inspired by the West, with the aim of revising the Potsdam system of international relations in favor of the United States and its European satellites. Having led to a vile and dishonest victory for its proteges, the United States had to legitimize the revolutionary chaos, anarchy and the ensuing war, turning the rebellion into a political process. It was for this purpose that the United States, under the constant control of its diplomatic mission in Kyiv, held the first stage: presidential elections. As the head of state, I would (don’t forget that I am already talking from the customer’s point of view!) appoint a rich oligarch with a solid political biography, experience in various political projects and a complete absence of complexes. You couldn't find a better Poroshenko! This diabetic man, who made his fortune in the most dishonest way, is, let me remind you, the author of such a very well-known political project as even the Party of Regions! Not to mention his role in the “Orange Revolution” with the first Maidan, his role as an intriguer and “any friend” under President Yushchenko.
What was needed for his victory? It couldn't be simpler! The victory of my candidate should have been undeniable. My candidate would have to win with an absolute number of votes, with the absolute support of those who voted and with an absolute lead over his name competitors. I would need this so that no one would have unnecessary doubts and hesitations. Ukrainians are already staggering, there’s nowhere else to go! It was a great plan! But how can it be brought to life if I, with the hands of my pathetic and incompetent puppets, unleashed a bloody war against my own potential voters living in the Donbass, the Black Sea region, and Slobozhanshchina? After all, there is a foreign electoral field there, which has not changed throughout the relatively short period of existence of independent Ukraine! But for this I would take Poroshenko! He is brave, strong, stubborn, greedy, ambitious and power-hungry, and finally, he does not disdain dirty methods. He wouldn't object to my plan!
My plan is this: why bother with campaigning when the situation is absolutely contraindicated for elections? There is a bloody civil war going on, which I started and which I want to win. Elections are chaos and vacillation. One word – choice! Staggering during a war is like death. Well! I won't let mine wobble! I will make sure that there is more blood and more victims at the front. By distracting in this way, I also achieve the consolidation of people who have a poor understanding of the situation around my junta. And these are millions! To agitate, it is enough to control the press, it is enough to intimidate a hostile electorate with repression. And the “heavenly hundred” option is enough. Only at the front there are no longer a hundred, but a thousand. Thousands. Such a great plan. But this is still not enough. Because “lokhtorat” is unpredictable. He needs constant monitoring. And how can we follow him straight to the ballot box if we need such a presidential result unprecedented in the history of the Independent? No way, or...
Or, tough times call for tough solutions! I would simply write to my candidate the result that he needs - once. The result, which would not be ashamed to believe, is two. Any blathering about falsification would be silenced by my stormtroopers from any armed gang, of which there are now plenty in Ukraine. My media would be distracted from the questions by talking day and night about the “Russian invasion.” Finally, my patronage on the international stage, supported by the end point of the “revolution of dignity” - the EU. This is how Petro Poroshenko would receive the “presidential mace” from me. As you saw in May, everything turned out great for me! Despite the monstrous crimes of the Maidan rebels, the nightmare of fascist terror, the horrors of a real fascist occupation and imperialist war, unheard of and unprecedented in Ukraine even after the collapse of the USSR, I achieved an authoritative president. Even if he is Poroshenko. I also began the process of bringing the entire electoral system in Ukraine under my total control. These issues would be dealt with in the new building of the US Embassy in Kyiv (more reminiscent of a military base) and on the fourth floor of the SBU headquarters “on Korolenko”, in which I would accommodate employees of the Central Intelligence Agency.
But the president is not the main goal, but one of the goals. Ukrainians are accustomed to overthrowing their presidents, despising them, not trusting them, insulting them and, when the opportunity arises, blaming them for all the hardships, including a slut wife, a lazy drunk husband, sexual impotence or cirrhosis of the liver from excessive drunkenness. By betting on one, I kind of make myself his hostage. And no one will ever give me a guarantee for the shelf life, fidelity, efficiency, intelligibility, performance of the Poroshenko product. Therefore, the entire political system, all personalities, and not just Poroshenko, must be under my reliable control. So that no one leaves if something happens. What do you need? It is necessary to hold parliamentary elections according to the same scheme! Why should I do this, write to anyone, anything, if I was the one who discovered this method?
There is a problem! The first is who should write and how much, who should be assigned to which piece on a given chessboard. And what do you think? At first, on the Maidan, I bet on “three carcasses”. Klitschko turned out to be a good guy, but fucking shit (!) - weak-minded. Yatsenyuk is good in all respects: handsome, intelligent, subtle, smart, smart. He has extensive political experience looking after the property of Ukrainian oligarchs. He was acting the head of the National Bank, the Minister of Economy, was the overseer of Crimea and the Speaker of Parliament. Finally, he even looks like a resident of Wisconsin or the remnants of the white population of New Orleans! He's an American yuppie type. Again, a beautiful wife and two wonderful girls. Everything is according to the American dream. Even my sister is in Santa Barbara! One problem: people don’t like Yatsenyuk... But how can I write so as not to offend? Laughs at him. Well, the people behind Senya know the affairs and affairs. The appearance is again comical, facial expressions, reflexes, behavior. Weak character. And the traditional distrust of Galicians towards Jews. Yes, yes, alas... Residents of western Ukraine have long and hopelessly considered Yatsenyuk a Jew, extrapolated to him his mother’s maiden name - Bakai, and traced the family of the Greek Catholic Arseny to some Hasidic tzaddikim.
In general, people are always unlucky, so I will have Yatsenyuk where he is the only good and useful person: looking after the economy. I wouldn’t even discuss Tyagnibok! Fascists are not my friends! My late grandfather John Johnson fought with them in the Netherlands and Bavaria, was wounded by a fascist bullet, Stalin awarded him a medal on the “Colorado” ribbon, on the fireplace in my living room I have a German porcelain doll that my grandfather-hero brought from Dresden. So Tyagnibok and his gang are not in the game, by definition! Let him continue, as before, to scare his fellow Galicians with the “Moscow threat.” And Farion will help him!
Yarosh? Are you playing the fool? No, let Yarosh be in the Rada. For warning. But only one Yarosh! But his right-wingers are not. We still lacked the Zaporozhye Sich in the center of Europe! I bet on Pravosek in February, when I had to push “peaceful protesters” to burn cops with Molotov cocktails and walk naked in profile against dagger sniper fire in the back. Three carcasses were clean spitting, and these helped. Then, as a sign of gratitude, I allowed them to have machine guns and sent a number of Right Sectors to the front to reduce their population in the name of the “European future.” The Moor did, the Moor left. Bye. If you need it, I'll call you again. Well, they know.
Actually, I did not organize the Euromaidan to realize the delusional dreams of Ukrainian nationalists about the creation of a Greater Ukraine from the Carpathians to the Green Wedge. What, haven’t you heard about the Green Wedge? This, dear comrades, is what the Nazis call the Russian Far East. No, I'm not crazy. There’s just a lot, friend Horatio, that the “cotton” sages never dreamed of! They dream about a lot of interesting things there, especially after a hearty dinner with “pricked Nuland cookies.”
So, I am arranging my figures in the session hall of the Stalinist palace of the Supreme Soviet of the Ukrainian SSR. First, let's straighten the playful hands of the president I appointed. Poroshenko is a corrupt Ukrainian oligarch so that, having caught the crown that has fallen from the sky, he will pull it deeper into his ears and begin to build a “presidential vertical”. He started it. The first fruit of his imagination is the Petro Poroshenko Bloc, as the basis of the future party of power, which would win with an absolute margin, like the “May miracle.” The old man thinks strategically. But that's not my plan. I, the customer, don’t need this. I don’t need a second Party of Regions in Ukraine, or the Orange disaster of 2005 (remember the loud collapse of the Maidan team?), or a second Yanukovych. Unipolar Ukraine is wrong. Any “party in power” here is, on one side or the other, the “Party of Regions”. And that, in turn, is the CPSU. Poroshenko knows this better than others, because he himself created the Party of Regions. In addition, the “party in power” in the conditions of a totally corrupt Ukraine quickly turns first into a giant vacuum cleaner, then resembles a parade of peacocks. This gives rise to envy, discontent, protests, and ultimately – new Maidans. In a country that is fundamentally incapable of stability, there are no ready-made recipes. Need to try.
Therefore, having opened Poroshenko’s raking hands with rusty garden shears, I will attach the “opposition party” to the “party in power.” She will have equal and even slightly greater results, so that the prime yuppie will feel needed. So that no one doubts, I will write on the billboards of the Popular Front the words “Ukrainians elect a prime minister” or something to maintain Arseniy’s morale. Well, I’ll give him the help of the “power” Avakov, Yulin Tampax - Turchinov, the neo-Nazis Parubiy, Biletsky and Chernovol (the wedding generals of the Euromaidan). This will, of course, be a copy of the USA, but I will try and look.
So, having clipped Poroshenko’s wings, expanded Yatsenyuk’s trunk, removed neo-fascist parties from parliament (leaving individual characters with large battalions for ostracism), pushed Yulia with her climacteric ambitions below the plinth (she does not consider release from prison a reward for a servant - outrageous!), All that remains is to deal with the revanchist “backstabbers.” They will take theirs. Novorossiya, even in “liberated” cities, will vote for its own – communists and regionalists. Therefore, to the regionalists and communists, I firmly, looking them in the eyes, will say: get out! And so that they don’t feel offended, I will assure you that not a single “pre-Maid” party will enter the new parliament. And I will keep my promise.
As you can see: Svoboda, Communist Party of Ukraine, Batkivshchyna, Party of Regions, UDAR - come on, goodbye! The fact that a party called “Batkivshchyna” entered the Rada with insignificant results is not an indicator. This is a swinish pretense and an attempt to hide the collapse and sad end of Tymoshenko. Because “Vona”, without the Zmin Front, without Yatsenyuk, Avakov and, most importantly, Turchynov, is bullshit. This is BYuT in the mask of Fatherland. These are the colors of election posters, in which, apart from the color scheme, there is nothing else from the political project of last year. The Batkivshchyna of the last Rada, let me remind you, was a union of the Batkivshchyna (BYuT) and the Zmin Front, concluded in a solemn ceremony on Mikhailovskaya Square last summer. Now that project is closed due to lustration of the authorities. Not a single party from the last convocation entered parliament! Without exception!
The regions, as business people, understood me and accepted my idea. True, as business people, they solved their problem of belonging to power and protecting their businesses under the brand name of it, in a different way. They created clones and went for the majority. Well... The most similar clone, the Development Party of Ukraine (PRU), was intimidated by my puppets with public persecution, terror and trash cans. Both PR and PRU did not participate in the elections. I will try to keep the opposition bloc that went to the elections and entered the Rada as an exhibit in the “democratic Ukraine” pavilion at the Museum of Colored Revolutions in Washington. Well, you must agree: what complaints can there be about the “fascist terror in Ukraine”, about which the “vatniks and Colorados” of all countries are shouting, if former regionalists, led by the non-regional Rabinovich, under the party colors of the PR, sit in the Rada, intrigue and make ridiculous, unconvincing attempts at revenge for the February coup? There can be no complaints here! All is clear!
Although the Opposition bloc in the new Rada is bad for me. I don't need that kind of opposition. It reminds me too much of 2010. The opposition, in my understanding, is the Popular Front, the talented, “know-it-all” – Yatsenyuk. This is the bipartisan model! However, OB is not my main problem in the XNUMXth convocation. They are tame because they wait to be called, they are a priori ready to negotiate. What worries me is not the tame regionals isolated in their own bloc.
The danger of revenge and counter-revolution comes from the “savages” who crawled into my parliament through the majority vote. These did not repent, did not forget, did not forgive and did not learn. These secretly finance militia units, support Novorossiya and in every other way put their eggs in different baskets. And the most dangerous ones are the “gray ones”. Those who have nothing to lose at all. Their business was destroyed by the guns of my punishers, their apartments and telephones are under the hood of my head of the SBU, Nalyvaichenko, their mansions near Kiev were burned in February-March by Parubiy’s self-defense eagles. Oh, such people want and will take revenge! The most dangerous thing is that they are loyal in words. But in reality... it’s scary to even imagine. “And the gray ones will pour in,” as Bulgakov wrote.
That’s why I decided to start the work of the new parliament by first dealing with the majority vote. I will eliminate it by giving the suckers the coveted “open lists.” Why suckers? Because the sucker doesn't remember anything. Loch is a kinesthetic learner. He only knows what is now. And now we have the 2004 Constitution! Loch doesn’t even remember this, not to mention the fact that throughout the history of Ukraine, the electoral legislation has changed this way and that in order to achieve effective power from the Ukrainians. The “non-party” President Kuchma even lasted two terms – a project-reaction to the “party principles” of the USSR, where the total CPSU reigned. Everything was already here. We tried everything. But the law about “two Ukrainians - three hetmans, with one traitor” still reigns. Let me try to defeat this with a two-party system! War? Novorossiya? The slogan of the militia is “give Kyiv!”? Nonsense! The machinations of the Kremlin propaganda! Don't interfere with work!
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