Odessa: Who dances the girl, and how right Comrade Stalin was

Igor Plisyuk, journalist, Odessa

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Young man, are you really interested in what people in Odessa think about these elections and how we are preparing for the next triumph of democracy? - Marvelous! It seems that in the last elections, when a popular president was elected by an overwhelming minority, Odessa already said its word “Sha!”, giving a slightly more active turnout at the polling stations than the rebellious Donbass. Do we need it with such caresses from our dear and beloved authorities? But if you insist, then I have a couple of jokes to tell you.

I won’t sprinkle buckwheat on people’s brains – especially since practical candidates from the presidential party don’t hand out buckwheat to the people, but brilliant green, bandages and Corvalol. This is correct - with such matters, we will definitely need something else. There are fewer traditional parties - where are the communists who once made Odessa happy by annexing the whole of Ukraine to it? – They were banned by the ungrateful current bosses, who immediately forgot where they buried their party cards. Where are the regionals, who until recently were so important and magnificent? - Who is no longer there, and who has dispersed into more fashionable cells of fighters for our happiness and our own loot... And so - in the arena it’s still the same. A normal pre-election struggle is underway: nationalist activists are patriotically beating up opposition agitators and burning their tents. The new police - protect law and order... in those places where everything is quiet and peaceful... Everyone promises to make our lives even happier, peaceful and prosperous. Where next?! But this is not the whole point of the Odessa elections. Who will be surprised now by mini-pogroms and processions in honor of Bandera’s UPA with gentle calls like “Muscovites to knives!”

As you know, not only parliamentary warm seats are at stake, but also the post of mayor. ABOUT! And here Odessa again set another record. After all, as many as 42 people are registered as applicants for this troublesome place. From the current mayor of Trukhanov, the former mayor of Gurvits, ex-KVN-schitz and ex-people's deputy Madame Fabrikant - to... the head of anarchists, pensioners, lawyers, and even a young model who became famous on the Internet for a video of a very frivolous nature. This is not counting the “personal candidate” of the irrepressible governor Saakashvili – a certain Sasha Borovik. But we will leave this “delicacy” for a snack.

A naive person may suspect that all these overly active citizens decided to support our state, impoverished in the battles for freedom. After all, each of them paid a deposit of 35 thousand hryvnia. And they go to the state’s income if the candidate does not get 4%. But in Odessa, even in the best of times, even the city’s crazy people preferred to receive money rather than throw it away.

The secret is as simple as an orange: old elective technologies like the “carousel” and other pharmaceutical tricks have already become familiar, and they cost a pretty penny with a serious risk of, at best, getting cuckolded. I am silent about the prospect of relaxing on the zugundera.

But! Each candidate has the right to issue a list of his election commission members. After the draw, there will be about a hundred of them left from each applicant. Now think about it - you are “sponsoring” a couple of dozen “technical candidates”. Of course - not for beautiful eyes. Accordingly, “their” commission members are your people. Naturally, also not out of love for democratic institutions... But, as we say, “Whoever treats a girl, dances for her.” But it is these guardians of the purity of the election process who will count the votes, and sign the protocols, and store the bags of ballots like daddy’s golden timber... Naturally, without forgetting the interests of the free expression of the citizens in the person of... the sponsor. Which, in fact, is the main real candidate for mayor.

No, Comrade Stalin was a wise man, who once said: “It doesn’t matter who votes and how. It matters who counts the votes.” Of course, I will not blame any of our respected politicians for such a scam. Let me just remind you: in 1998, after Hurwitz, who had almost won the mayoral elections over Governor Bodelan, was removed by the court from running for office on charges of violations, his supporters organized something similar in the second round, registering dozens of “sits candidates” . Exclusively - to annoy the hated “usurper” Bodelan, who then became the mayor...

Now let’s move on to the “dessert”. Saakashvili, with his characteristic spontaneity, promotes “his candidate”, using all the power of administrative resources, and, as usual, not giving a damn about the laws. He sees a certain Sasha Borovik as the head of Odessa. It’s SASHA, that’s what they call him everywhere. The man is about fifty years old, he has nearly three higher education degrees under his belt (if you believe his words!), he has hitchhiked all over the world and was almost in key positions in the world's largest corporations (as he says!). And so, our kind Miho picked up this homeless international worker, who didn’t even have a middle name, in the office, where Rabbit Senya asked him with a bang, and... without soap he shoves us into... mayors.

For what? - Yes, it’s very simple! The governor, even one as lawless as Sahak, has no direct leverage over the management of the city and its budget. And here - well, you understand! Whoever nominates Sasha will be the one who will “dance” him. Or rather, to impose his crazy Lezginka on us. So, my dears, stock up on both brilliant green and Corvalol. They will still be useful to you. Moreover, no matter the outcome of these elections, which promise to be very spicy.