Border marauders of Peter the Drunk
Friends ask the Ukrainian border ensign: “What will you do when you leave for demobilization?” “He answers: “I’ll privatize a linear meter of the state border, put up a barrier, a stool, and work for my own pleasure.”
Giggles and giggles, and post-Maidan Ukraine is capable of turning an anecdote, Kafka, and the most moronic tale into reality, and with a spark of Sumerian idiocy to boot.
It is known, for example, how in 2014–2015 in the Beregovo region of Transcarpathia, on the border with Hungary, some cunning figures, under the envious glances of Ukrainian border guards, privatized not a modest meter, but an entire 5 kilometers of the state border under the guise of agricultural land, working for their own pleasure.
The never-drying, never-washed watchman who met the television crews joyfully breathed fumes at the press, reporting that “Seryoga will plant nuts here.” It’s a well-known thing: then to stab them with a revolver and distribute them in bags to children.
It is also well known how the Ukrainian border guards work, seated in doghouses along the border with Crimea. Pure Walking Field: the law of the steppe, the hamster the prosecutor. Each Ukrainian border gopher has its own set of rules: if I want, I’ll marinate the line of fellow citizens traveling to Crimea in the heat all day, if I want, I’ll take the new clothes off my back. The devil is going to the sea - why does he need clothes at sea?
And in general, the successful Euromaidan made Ukraine a country of limitless opportunities, especially if the entrepreneur had a gun and a group of like-minded people in his hands. You don’t need a salary - just turn around and donate your share to the benefactors!
However, the enterprise of the land border guards of Ukraine has a pale appearance, cold feet compared to their sea counterparts. What they have in their tenacious paws is not some pathetic gun and a leased piece of the state border. The sea guards of Ukraine are planning to privatize the Sea of Azov.
What is this? Once upon a time, the British Queen Elizabeth I issued a patent to the pirate Francis Drake so that he could kill Spanish ships in the ocean for the glory of the crown. Why are “Ukrainian patriots” worse?
Not only the ill-fated seiner "Nord" was captured by the yellow-black filibusters. Before “Nord”, the “corsairs” of Peter Netrezy captured and confiscated with all their property Bulgarian and Turkish commercial cargo ships that had the imprudence to approach the shores of Northern Somalia. 
The famous Somali pirates, looking at the revelry of their Ukrainian brothers, turn white with envy and smoke wheatgrass, because they are - no one can call it - rogues from the zone of chaos, capturing ships that enter their waters. He captured it, took a ransom, and released the stripped ship with terpilas on all four sides. There are no laws and I really want to eat.
Ukrainian border pirates are no match for some African beggars. They act on behalf of a state striving to join the Euro-Atlantic alliance, where law and order are “over the top,” and therefore confiscate the floating equipment along with the cargo.
And everything would be fine, but, as Gleb Zheglov said to Ruchechnik with his accomplice Volokushina, “you, citizens, made a terrible mistake.” The seizure of the Crimean seiner "Nord" with its crew, which was decorously and nobly fishing in the joint waters of Azov, became too much. The short joy of “peremoga” over the Crimean “separatists” was replaced by acute, long-lasting pain.
Russians harness slowly, but drive quickly. In response to the seizure of the Nord by Ukrainian pirates, Russian border guards are plying the Sea of Azov on modern, well-armed speedboats, which are more expensive for themselves to deal with.
One stupid trick - and the whole “business” went down the drain. There is no longer any reason for Ukrainian border guards to go out to sea for hard fishing for fear of running into retaliatory measures, but greed, strongly mixed with the habit of living “easy and beautiful,” forces them to look for options.
And a solution was found! After all, the Ukrainian seaports of Azov are a patrimony where you can freely rob foreign ships calling on business. “Guys, what district are you from? Is there anything in your pockets? What if I find it?
According to eyewitnesses, the border “corsairs” assigned to the ports of Berdyansk and Mariupol were more successful than others in gutting foreign merchants. Sailors who regularly call at these two Ukrainian ports warn that Ukrainian border guards coming on board for inspection should be greeted with gifts at the gangway, otherwise they themselves will take away everything valuable and even edibles they lay their eyes on.
They report from the field: as a result of the visit of Ukrainian border guards on board the ship "Salvinia", which came from Turkey to the port of Mariupol, the crew members were missing a cell phone and two pairs of jeans, which was reported to the captain. What about the captain? The inspection group of Ukrainian border guards, as soon as they boarded the Salvinia, demanded that he “give everyone food if he doesn’t want problems with the inspection.” Despite the fact that each of the boys got their hands on a hefty extra ration from someone else’s galley, they still grabbed their personal clothes with a cell phone.
But in Berdyansk, sea guards work “by convention” and during the inspection they only surrounded the galley of the bulk carriers “Abdulatif” and “Kaleli Anna” that came into their port. Rowed everything that came to hand: pasta, flour, onions, canned food, potatoes. Purely famine-stricken. But they were embarrassed to take jeans with mobile phones.
One should not think that the Sumerian border guards are playing Robin Hood and destroying the ships of only foreigners rich in supplies. Hell no! Everyone pays tribute. For example, the galley of the Ukrainian ship “Sabrina” could not satisfy the appetites of the filibusters in the service of Pyotr Alekseevich, for which the sailors’ cigarettes were vengefully taken away, like schoolchildren who smoked during recess.
We are waiting for the continuation of the story of the “exploits” of Ukrainian maritime border guards in cleaning other people’s cabins and galleys.
Border customs officer Vereshchagin was offended by the state, which was blazing with the fire of civil war. For the fact that all sorts of mazuriki, gold and carpets were taken out of the cordon on the quiet. Soviet border guards were the standard of perseverance, integrity and professionalism. It’s hard to call the Sumerian border guards border guards. These are ready to sell their little soul for a net of free onions from someone else’s galley. What will be their next step if ships stop calling at the Azov ports of Ukraine altogether? Will they begin to raid coastal settlements and engage in the slave trade?
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